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A Completely Heretical Summary of the Bible.

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Oct. 10th, 2001 | 11:00 pm
mood: tiredtired
music: Gloria Estefan - Everlasting Love

That would be the kind of summary of said book that you get in college classes. And actually, it's not entirely heretical... it is, however, extremely irreverant. Sort of like that T-shirt that says "A brief guide to comparative religions" and then proceeds to use mantra of many world religions to say "shit happens."

But I digress.

    The Pentateuch (Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, Deutoronomy): God loves you, but sometimes it slips his mind.

    The Historical Books (Kings, Chronicles, Samuel, etc.): If you love God more than your neighbor does, he will in some cases allow you to kill your neighbor and take his house.

    Job: If God happens to kill your family and take away everything you have, it is just to show Satan what a great person he thinks you are.

    Song of Solomon (Canticles): The porn of the Bible.

    Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastes: God totally rocks. You probably suck.

    The Prophets (Isaiah, Jeremiah, Daneil, etc.): You suck and God is going to smite you.

    The Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, John): God rocks. You still suck, but he is willing to overlook that if you agree that he rocks.

    The Epistles (Romans, Corinthians, Thessalonians, etc.): God rocks, and anyone who ever offended Paul sucks.

    Revelations: The Sci-Fi of the Bible.

I have a warped sense of humor, I know.

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Comments {2}

We Were Like the World's Gayest Ninjas

(no subject)

from: thunderemerald
date: Oct. 10th, 2001 08:25 pm (UTC)

That made me laugh SO hard.... just thought I'd share. Hehehehe...

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