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I shall eat CAKE!

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Oct. 5th, 2001 | 11:42 pm
mood: complacentcomplacent
music: TLC - No Scrubs

So Katie came over on Wednesday night and we made cupcakes and a cake and agreed that yes, boys suck and we ate all of the cupcakes and now I am addicted to the cake that is left.

I have eaten far too much of it this evening. But it tasted good so I don't care.

I said awful things to Chris last night and I owe him the biggest apology of my life because I truly am that sorry. I needed to say what I said, but I didn't need to say it the way that I said it and I didn't need to hurt someone that much. I don't think there are even words in english to express how badly I feel about the whole thing.

And he cut me straight to the heart when he said this to me:
"I hate to say this, but I hope you never become a doctor. Because you treat pain with pain."

And I fight that statement internally because yes, it's true... I don't do it very often, but every now and then when I get really angry and pushed to the limit I just explode and my explosions, unfortunately are extremely painful for the ones I love... and oddly they're the only ones who get to witness them. I fight that part of my personality every day -- the vindictive piece because I know it's not beneficial.

On the other hand I don't think it would come out in me as a doctor because well... I try so hard to be loving to everyone all the time, and occasionally, with the people that I love most, I just crack. But patients aren't like that, there is a time and a place for everything and the office is not the place to carry my personal problems. Not to mention that I've lived with a terminally ill person and I know what it's like. But still I am questioning... my confidence, my faith in myself has very definitely been shaken.

My gel didn't run well today and I screwed up with it a lot... so I am not happy.

Some random guy called having the wrong number and has now asked me on a date. Go figure.

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