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As the first shock wave subsides

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Sep. 12th, 2001 | 02:34 am
mood: numbnumb

So far, nobody I know was hurt, and the one person I was most concerned about, though he was here, got out of the mess okay. Apparently he was on the first floor of the mall when it hit, which is probably rattling to him but it means that the likelihood that he got out without major burns or bruises or being covered in debris is high.

I take comfort in that.

I called my mother and she said the phone hadn't stopped ringing today -- people wondering if I was okay, if she was okay, if she was worried about me... and I've had a flurry of emails and IMs from people wanting just to double check that I'm alive and well.

I'm fine, I tell everyone. Numb, but fine.

And physically, I AM fine. Emotionally, I feel like I'm stuck in an Orwell novel with an overactive imagination and any minute I will wake up from this awful dream to see the Twin Towers standing proudly in the sunlight again. Except that I know that won't happen.

I saw the people walking up from lower manhattan today, away from the wreckage and debris -- they'd reached 11th street around 11:30 and many had smoke protection masks dangling around their necks. A few were crying, most were like me, scared, determined, and numb.

It's funny how the same thoughts keep cycling through my head. How I was just there a few days ago and it felt so wonderful to feel like I was on top of the world. How I thought it was so beautiful. And how terrible and how tragic it is that people can do this to other people and not even have a conscience about it. And disgust at the people who are celebrating in Palestine. U.S. support of Israel or not, people are people, and nobody deserves to die. Especially not like that.

I guess I understand now why people remember events. Like how my mother says she remembers exactly where she was when she heard Kennedy was shot. Or the people who know exactly what they were doing when the heard the news of Pearl Harbor on the radio. People are saying this is another Pearl Harbor, only worse because it attacked the innocent. It wasn't a country attacking military personnel who weren't facing a question of whether or not they would have to fight. In Pearl Harbor, they knew they would have to fight eventually. It was simply a matter of when. But today, it was an attack on civillians. Innocent people who went to work in their offices thinking today was just another normal day. Until those commercial jets came flying through the window. And we don't even know who the attackers are.

Part of me wishes I were far, far away. But most of me is glad that I am here... with my friends and for my friends. And in reasonable contact with the outside world.

I will not sleep tonight -- not deep restoring peaceful sleep, but the sleep that is more like passing out -- coming to a dead stop after an emotionally draining day.

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