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I should be studying

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Sep. 9th, 2001 | 11:59 pm
mood: lonelylonely
music: starship - we built this city

I really should be doing reading for molecular and cellular biology... and if I get up tomorrow morning having not done this reading and go to class completely lost, I will probably regret it. But I suppoes that this is a risk I will have to take.

My weekend was excellent though it went too fast. I spent time with friends and had phone calls and a social life and social lives are good things. And in a way, I'm still really getting used to the idea of having one. In High School, I did so many activities that I didn't have time to worry about having close friends or not having them -- I didn't have time to have a social life even if I had people to have it with, and somehow, I emerged from the whole high school experience having touched a lot of lives.

I wonder sometimes if I am that successful at college. I don't think that I have tons and tons of friends, but then I don't really seem to have a drought of people to do things with and I see people from last year that I only knew casually (or at least in my opinion) who I then find myself hugging and find them glad to see me and all the rest. It feels good.

I think I have a need to make a difference in people's lives. I feel much more successful and happy knowing that I am important to other people, and that is something that I would never have thought of or admitted to myself while I was in high school, or really, even a year ago when I was so concerned about things like my Jappy roommate and my mother's health. And now, things are on a more even keel and I dwell far too much on how badly I wish I had a boyfriend.

The whole lack of a boyfriend thing is a downward spiral for me. Because I am single with no prospects and that makes me depressed, and feel unattractive on the outside, and then I realize that I am sad because of something as shallow as lacking a boyfriend and that forces me to admit that I feel a need to have someone in my life who is more than just a friend, which rubs against my feminist ideals, and makes me feel unattractive on the inside. And of course when you feel low on the inside, it is hard to feel good about your outsides, and worthwhile and so on, so the downward spiral continues in an endless catch-22.

I am a very cliche 19-year-old sometimes, I think.

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Comments {1}

Vanillahyacinth

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from: vanillahyacinth
date: Sep. 10th, 2001 07:21 pm (UTC)
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I think you're beautiful--you think a lot and you care about God, and these two things just aren't true of enough people. As it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1, "For everything there is a season." Now is your time to be single and to be *happy* being single. That way, when you meet that special someone, it will be that wonderful kind of relationship where "your love for each other outweighs your need for each other"--which is said to be the best kind of relationship of all. :^) Love you, dearie.

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