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the perils of not playing games

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Aug. 1st, 2001 | 11:57 pm
mood: lonelylonely
music: Steven Curtis Chapman - I Will Be Here

I am bitter lately.

I look at so many people who are so happy in their relationships, or so close to starting ones realizing that they really really like each other or whatever and then I look at myself and I can't even get a date, and it makes me sad. I wonder what is wrong with me -- I have a lot going for me and yet I am alone.

My latest theory is that it is because I do not play games. I do not date random people to make a guy want me more. I do not let someone say they like me and want to be with me and say "maybe, maybe not." I say yes or I say no and I leave it at that. I'm not a tease, and I guess this means I am not a worthy object of affection. I have no need to be pursued through an elaborate chase. I do not make myself a nearly insurmountable challenge to overcome. Thus, I am not dateable because I do not invoke the male hunter instinct that for some reason is important in finding someone to date.

More than anything, I feel lonely. I have plenty of friends, good friends, close friends who I love dearly. But I am missing something -- the peice of me that desperately wants to be very close to someone and love them more than platonically is left unsatisfied. There is a sort of emptiness and incompleteness that I cannot explain and that somehow feels like it would be filled by having that one special person.

The cynic in me says that all of this is false and contrived and that my longing to be with someone stems from two sources -- the source that singlesness is not a choice for me right now. I could not get a date if I wanted one (unless I gave in to the skany guys who hit on me as I walk down the street and more than likely just want to get in my pants), let alone a boyfriend, which frustrates me immensely because I am powerless to fix it. For the person who likes to feel in control of her own destiny as I am, feeling powerless to change one's fate is one of the worst feelings in the world. And what makes it worse is that I have no one to even be interested in -- I am a romantic, fond of daydreams and full of hope for the future. When I have no one to hope for or dream about, it is disconcerting and unhappy. I need my daydreams.

It doesn't help matters that I have been told I am not supposed to want to date. I do not think other people have a right to tell me when I am and am not ready to date, regardless of how well-meaning they may be. And just because dating equates sex for many people and many people cannot keep their hormones under control, that doesn't mean it's true for me. (It doesn't mean that it is not true for me, either, but as I have no opportunity to find out, it is rather a moot point). I have a personality that is very contrary. As soon as someone expects me to be a certain way and it is not a way I necessarily want to be, or I think the perception is ridiculous or based on stereotype, I become determined to prove that person wrong.

But. I am learning. I am learning to not be contrary, and I am learning that there is balance in needing people and not needing them and that I have swung on a pendulum from one extreme of not needing people to another extreme of feeling as though I need them desperately, and I am waiting now to settle to a happy medium.

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