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Where do the lies end? Where do the truths begin?

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Jul. 31st, 2001 | 03:15 am
mood: pensivepensive

Dear Chris,

My Western came out well today.

And I worked at Express until 12:15 so now my feet hurt.

And my dorm had a fire drill/alarm at 2 am, but I didn't leave for it.

Not that you care about any of this. But it is important, I think to get mundane things that are on one's mind out of the way before focusing on a present task. So, mundane details of my life and mild civilities out of the way, here goes.

I am tired of your mixed messages. I am tired of hearing that you like me, that you find me attractive, that you want me to visit you and then the next day knowing that you have blocked me from your AIM buddy list. You've blamed it in the past on your brother, and I suppose that a couple of the times, it's been true. But I've watched you do it to me more than once and now I can't separate when it's you and when it's him, and that bothers me.

It sounds trivial for me to be upset about being blocked since eventually I am usually unblocked and life continues on as normal. But, it is not trivial. I don't mind being blocked, really, or being told that you don't feel like talking to me -- I myself am quiet at times. But what bothers me is the lies. I don't know how many of the times I've been blocked are times you've blocked me, and how many are times your brother has done it. I suspect you've done it many more than I concretely know about. I wonder how many other lies you've told me. Do you really think I'm pretty? Do you really think I'm a decent person? Have you really had to go and talk to other people all of those times that you had to get off the phone with me, or did you not want to talk to me and simply didn't have the guts to tell me?

I want to hate you. I want to yell at you and scream at you and tell you what a jerk you are and how rude you are and tell you that I wish we'd never been friends and that I'm sorry I ever gave you the dignity of being my friend and even sorrier that I was stupid enough to fall for you. I want to hate you.

But, hatred never got anybody anyplace (well, except maybe dead, but that's really not a pleasant thought), so that can't be the answer. But, the heart that loves forgives and mine is a loving heart, so I forgive you because it is too painful to do otherwise.

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I am reminded now of why it is that I don't date and why I so often put distance between myself and those around me. Little plastic walls I build, some becoming ever more transparent and other becoming reinforced with wood and stone and brick and steel until there's nothing visibile from the other side except perhaps a tiny sliver of light from the peephole through which I warily watch those who have hurt me.

The trouble with loving people, in any sense of the word, is that you get hurt. When you let someone into your heart (or at least for me, this is true), you give that person power. That person can make your day or break it -- they can smile at you and you are flying and dancing among the clouds, and they can scowl at you and you feel like the worst human being on the face of the planet. And constructed as I am, the people who really know me well have the power to destroy me. Because it is so rare for me to trust another person enough to let her in to my heart and to let her (or him... especially him) truly know me (though there have been the occasional people who just ignore my walls and my distance and barrel their way right inside) that when someone does, that is a friendship that will last forever for me. But, others do not take their friendships so seriously -- they are content to let people meander in and out of their lives and are quite happy to meander in and out of others' lives as well. Then there are those who run away when they find out how well another person knows them. The friends who leave me then are perhaps the worst in terms of the pain of losing a friendship because it is a sort of betrayal like no other.

And so I keep my distance and stick to specific conversation topics -- ones about which I have something to say, and ones that will let people think they know me, but ones that are not so near to my heart that they let people get too close.

I think, Chris, our communication problem is because I am trying too hard not to fall for you.

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Comments {2}

space kitty

(no subject)

from: lipbiter
date: Aug. 1st, 2001 06:16 am (UTC)
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your letter is cool. lj is a good place to say what you want to someone (well, laterally anyway) and not have to deal with a response. its amazing how when you love someone they have control over your emotions. the power to make you feel any emotion. and what a powerful thing that is.

i love theories. i have quite a few in my early journal entries.

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Always leave for a fire alarm; I don't want you to die or get hurt

from: anonymous
date: Aug. 1st, 2001 06:09 pm (UTC)
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Dear Liz,

I was really concerned when you said that you didn't leave the dorm during a 2 a.m. fire alarm. *Always* leave, *please*. Two years ago, a young man died in an Ohio dorm because he didn't leave when the alarm sounded.

Love you,
D. Spice

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