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A puzzlement

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May. 3rd, 2001 | 01:51 am
mood: relievedrelieved
music: Sarah McLaughlin - I Will Remember You

Two days ago I had something that was more or less an overgrown journal entry. A list of experiences with a little thought surrounding it. I revised to find a somewhat more overgrown journal entry. It had more thought in it, but it was still pretty much a journal entry. It was some experiences and some reflection on them.

I revised again and suddenly I have an essay. I have six pages of writing that meander that think and yet that are centered around an idea that is obvious by the end of the essay. I have a path that my mind follows -- it begins in one place and ends in another, and along the way it makes quite a few discoveries.

And it all happened at the back of my mind. It happened when I wasn't looking in places that I wasn't looking for it to happen... and I suppose that is the way that I have been cajoled to write all semester. I know when I turn this in, my writing teacher will still find it too logical and not reflective enough, but it is better. It is good writing -- it is clean, it is a real essay, and I am satisfied with it. Scared to death of my grade, but at least satisfied with the essay... given the mire from which I have pulled myself in less than a week. I went from feeling completely incapable and lost to having something that I am not ashamed to put my name on.

So opposite of the way I do everything. I still prefer the essay style of delineating arguements to make a point, making the arguements, and then drawing a few conclusions... but I have at least learned a different way to write if not a different way to think. I suppose I should have learned somewhere in this process a new mode of thinking -- a way in which to think randomly, but... I am quite certain that you cannot teach someone to have a different thinking process -- or if you are, you must teach them in a way they can understand. For instance, I think sequentially -- so for me to be random means that I must follw every tangent until I get some distance from where I started, until I get to a place that is related tenuously and not related by the path of tangents I took to get there. But someone would need to explain that I need to think this way to be random and it would take a lot of practice before the associations would happen by themselves, without the multi-tangent inbetween step.

I should not write at this time of night. I have too much of a tendency to say very strange things and overanalyze.

"I think you think too much" Iantheia told me yesterday.

"Me too. But I can't help it."

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