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thinkin and dreamin and wishin and hopin

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Nov. 25th, 2000 | 11:45 pm
mood: melancholymelancholy

I'm sad right now. Well, saddish... not really sad or depressed but certainly not happy. I don't know why, either. I hung out with Topper tonite, which was much fun... we watched Waiting for Guffman which is one of the silliest movies I've ever seen... it makes me really really miss theatre... I remember watching it in Ruthie's basement with the SHRL cast... and all the jokes and allusions that followed in rehearsals and in improvs in our class and everything. It made me miss those people who I never quite fit with, but who I did fit with all at the same time.

I feel sorry for both Topper and Shannon. They seem like they're really hurting to be away from each other when it's forced, but neither is quite sure that the other feels the same way. In a way, I'm jealous... but it's not jealous of their situation or anything... I'm jealous that Shannon has someone who is like her in so many ways and who cares about her and who likes silly romantic things and does silly romantic things and likes to be a gentleman. Not that I want to be dating Topper... he's a good friend of mine, and that's it.

I feel vulnerable right now. Vulnerable and alone because my mom is having surgery and my dad doesn't understand me... no one does, really. Everybody's sorry, but it feels sometimes like nobody really cares. And it's times like these when I really really want a boy. In theory I have one, but he's not the sort of person that I really want to be with. Or even slightly want to be with for that matter. I'm staying with him pretty much out of guilt... I don't want to hurt his feelings. Although by staying with him, I'm probably only going to end up making things worse. But anyway. He only wants to be with me because I'm smart and physically attractive. But he's not as smart as I am... he doesn't understand 3/4 of what I say, and he thinks being romantic is wussy. This will never work. I want to be the sort of person to be pursued... I want to be won over with flowers and candy and silly notes and poetry and fleeting romantic gestures. I want somebody who wants to know what I really think about, what really makes me tick and what makes me interested and what makes me bored. I want somebody who is gentle with me and who I know I can trust to respect my limits without having to yell at them. I want somebody to feel lucky because he has me, the whole person, not because he has my kisses or my body. I want to be told that I am beautiful, not that I have a great body.

I'm tired of being a piece of meat. I want to be loved... and truly loved so that I can love back. I had that once. Almost. Matt cared for me and treated me how I want to be treated (or at least at first. Now he's too busy to care that I even exist)... he didn't think it was dumb to be romantic... he wrote songs and poetry for me, and he thought the cards and trinkets I sent him were cute and special. We could talk for hours about anything and everything. Because he understands me. He understands my love for theatre and dance... he understands how I am passionate about the things that I care about, and he is the same. And that to me is love. I miss him.


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