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why oh why oh why?

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Feb. 5th, 2001 | 11:58 pm
mood: depresseddepressed
music: Original Broadway Cast - The Proposal

If certain people ever read this I will be in much trouble. But, I don't care at this point because I am not going to censor things.

I've discovered the reason my journal is probably not popular. My life has too much drama. I do not make small things dramatic... I have big dramas and I write about them honestly. So I then have a journal that it is more difficult for many people to relate to... and people aren't interested in reading that. They don't really want to hear about real tragedies of life... cancer and hospitals and death and the like -- everyone likes to pretend that those sorts of things don't exist.

And yet they are my reality.

But now, I will address a less serious aspect of my life.

I am in pain. I miss him so very very much and I really wish he'd never told me he cared for me... because then I wouldn't have invested so much and cared so much and I wouldn't hurt so much now when he says he cares but he doesn't. He tells me that he cares about me and for some reason I expect things to be different... for him to carry through on his promises, but does he? no, of course not. He can IM me knowing that I care and will respond to him one way or another to tell me that he punched his wall and made himself bleed in his sleep, but he can't be there to listen to me when I need to talk about the seriousness of my life. I just get hurt and hurt and hurt.

Well. I am done with this. I am going to write him a letter and tell him that he has hurt me and that I will not heal forever and ever and that until he can behave like a human and *be* a friend to me, he is not worthy of my time or interests. Which will make him drop out of my life, I imagine, but, as much as it hurts, I know that it is best.

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Comments {1}

(from Mina) Hey, your journal IS popular, with ME.

from: anonymous
date: Feb. 6th, 2001 07:49 pm (UTC)

I see you've been listening to the Jane Eyre soundtrack three journal entries in a row--ah, isn't J.E. addictingly good :^)?

Good luck with communicating with him, dearie.

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