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why must so much remind me of him?

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Feb. 3rd, 2001 | 01:36 am
mood: lonelylonely
music: Matchbox Twenty - If You're Gone

I can't listen to half the songs on my winamp anymore. They all remind me of him and I am tired of being reminded of him because it just really hurts. And for some reason, right now it hurts more than usual. I don't know if we're even friends anymore... because I said I was pissed at him (which I was... ) and now I don't think he'll talk to me anymore. But. One never knows I guess. (witness Liz attempting to be strong)

I'm so sick of trying to be strong for everything and everyone. It's like, I have to listen to my mom complain and my dad complain and my brother complain and my friends complain... and I do care and I'm glad to listen... but I feel bad sometimes when I want to complain. Although I didn't used to, but then it occurred to me that people probably don't want to listen to my problems... either because my problems are too real and too scary or because they want to complain about their own. It's frustrating to have my mother have cancer. Because this past month, when she's been so sick I've been there for her and for my dad and I'm pretty okay with all of it, but it's like, whenever I want to talk to other people about it, I have to qualify everything with "but it's really okay" and make other people comfortable with it when really all I want to do is just talk.

I feel badly. I think sometimes that one of my friends and I are a bit too much alike. Not in terms of interest and things but in terms of the way we function mentally. Which means that I get in an instant what she's doing... and then it will frustrate me. Because I do it too. And I know that I do it and try not to, but I do it nevertheless and sometimes I wish I didn't. It's like, I shut people off so much that I don't ever have any really really close friends because I'm so afraid to let people in. And then I get mad when people do that to me, and then I realize I do it and so then I get more angry... well not angry really frustrated. Which makes me want to cry.

I need a best friend. I have some good friends, but I don't have anyone who really knows me and understands me... the real me with all of her flaws and all of her problems. I bury them inside myself and lock them away and occasionally I just want to explode because everything is just too complicated.

All I want to do right now is sleep... like if I sleep long enough then I'll wake up and somehow everything wrong in my life will have vanished. I know that won't happen though and so then I can't sleep even though I'm exhausted.

So much I want to say. And yet I feel like I don't have words to say any of it.

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Comments {1}

(from Mina) Oh no, this entry makes me concerned!

from: anonymous
date: Feb. 3rd, 2001 08:44 pm (UTC)

Dear Liz,
Now *this* is the best kind of journal entry (though I don't mind reading your to-do lists), emotional and painfully honest! I am so sorry that you feel the way you do. I am here to listen and you shouldn't feel bad about talking to me--I want to help and be a really good friend! (As for the half-the-songs-on-your-Winamp thing, I had the same experience earlier this year--it'll pass, in the meantime listen to something else.)
Love and feel-better hugs,

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