November 2nd, 2005



I went home last weekend because my mom requested it. It's funny to refer to it as 'home' because in casual conversation, Minnesota isn't home anymore... it's where my parents and extended family live. But my parents' house is, always in my conversations, quite distinctly my parents' house, as opposed to 'my house.' But this is a side point for later.

Minnesota was good, in some respects... a lot of unknowns are now knowns, and I left feeling I had somehow managed to do something that is helpful and useful and supportive to my mom. Unfortunately, the knowns that I acquired are that my mom is very sick and very weak and quite a lot more damaged than I have seen her in the past. Though it is hard to compare... I have seen her more acutely ill at times, but never so ill as a general, day-to-day, baseline sickness.

I predicted that sometime yesterday or today I would crash as all of what I had seen and come to know would start to sink in and hit me, and I was totally correct in that estimate. Yesterday I was angry and irritible... and today, I am just sad. I am lonely and listless and distant. I am, despite my best efforts, shutting down and closing myself off from the world when I want more than anything to be close to someone... which has the end result that I would really like nothing more than to crawl into bed and hibernate there for a few days.