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May. 24th, 2004 | 02:13 am

It was so easy to keep posting consistently.

Then I got out of the habit and it was in some ways an easy habit to drop -- I just got busy with life, really -- family in town, graduation, papers and papers and more papers.

Now all of that has settled down and I find myself quite alone, and I have the peace now that I had been waiting for and wanting for so long, and while it is nice because it is calm and uncomplicated, it is very lonely.

I'm not good at doing nothing... or even doing a few small things.

I need to feel productive and busy and overcommitted, and I suppose, if I really wanted to, I could spend my time with life's busywork -- sorting out my piles of papers, packing things into boxes until slowly, little by little I get all of my room packed up and tucked away and shipped off to another state and another life that is about to begin.

And while in some ways it is a great new beginning, it is a bit intimidating because it is a great new beginning wherein I have to be responsible -- a real grown-up with rent and utilities to pay and a car to take care of. I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

Ultimately, right now, I feel very very lonely.

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