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one of those times when I want to be loved

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Jan. 14th, 2001 | 12:07 am
mood: nostalgicnostalgic
music: Billy Joel - Piano Man

We all have a basic need to be loved. And I'm not talking about that here... I know lots of people care about me and love me and all of that. But I'm in a mood right now where I wish I had someone who was pursuing me romantically. I wish, in my romantic daydreams, that I had a boy who was sweet and lovely who would pursue me and try to sweep me off my feet and all of that. I wish I had the sort of person in my life that I wouldn't feel stupid holding hands with in public. A person that I would want to actually spend my life with.

Right now, I'm single... with no prospects. And I'm happy this way... because really, I'm not ready for the kind of relationship I want (which then brings up the question of why do I want something that I'm not ready to have... and the answer to that is complicated. I will explore that thought some other time.) so I'm better off being single. But that doesn't change that I've always wanted a secret admirer, and that want doesn't seem to be fading away very fast.

I feel guilty for thinking that... like I should be satisfied with things just being as they are and people liking me as I am and all of the blessings that I have. Like, most things are so good, what right do I have to just want that little bit more. But I can't help it... there's still a little girl inside of me who occasionally whines, just like some people whine about wanting a new car or a new dress or new jewelry, that she would like to be courted. She would like to be sent candy and flowers and have someone write poetry for her and sing songs to her and make her feel as though she is the most special person in the world. And that whole secret admirer thing. Just because I find it terribly romantic.

I'm rambling. And nobody needs to read this mindless drivel. But if anyone wants to be my secret admirer... ;-)

Goodnight.

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