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you haunt my dreams I think I love you

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Dec. 21st, 2000 | 01:18 pm
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful
music: Michael Jackson - Heal The World

It's funny. Every time I talk to him, I get butterflies, still. Even though he lives 3000 miles away and there's no hope of anything happening because he is on the west coast and I am on the east coast and he will never be here and I will never be there. And yet, I don't really want to be with him because I don't really want to be with anybody because I just have too much else in my life that's to important right now to really worry or care about it. But he was telling me about this other girl and as much as I hate to admit it, I was a teensy bit jealous. Not because I don't have him but because I have nothing. But I don't want to have something because I want it to be real. I've had enough bad relationships that now I want to find the one person that I would be happy spending the rest of my life with. But I'm not ready to find that person yet because I'm not ready to think about that kind of a committment... and I'm not ready to discuss with anyone, other than completely hypothetically all of what I believe about having children and all of that. How will I make someone understand that I don't want to spend 9 months of my life carrying around a lifetime committment, go through intense pain in removing that committment from my body and then hate myself for giving up my dreams over some guy or pursuing my dreams and then feeling eternally guilty for being a bad mother. Because I can't do both? I'm too set on myself and my own life and my own goals to have that sort of a relationship. And yet I don't want anything less than serious because I have dated people knowing it won't go anywhere and that just felt pointless. I kept on wondering "why am I spending time investing in this person who 10 years from now I will probably not even be aware exists?" I mean, friendships are one thing, but relationships only in rare cases lead to deeper friendship. Mostly just unnecessary pain.

The reason he's different for me. He's the only person I really think I loved as more than a friend (though I've tried to love others), and I loved him in spite of all of my protests against myself. Because he genuinely cared about me. And one day the impossibility of it all overcame our idealism and we ended it. The ending wasn't perfect, but it was without the stabbing insults and so on that usually accompany breakups. And now we can talk and it's almost normal. Because I'm learning to back off and step away (and really I don't think about him much anyway, just on the occasional moments where something reminds me of him or I look through our emails and see what I had and what I lost) and it will be fine. And if we're meant to be together someday, we will be. But love is something you have to make happen, and neither him nor I care to do that right now. He's too busy and I'm... not too busy exactly, but I'm building my own life, and the life I am building is here. And I am not going to abandon that over a guy. As my mom told me once, during our late night talking advice session type things, I have to depend on myself because that is all I will ever be sure I have. And that I have to go for my dreams and if I can achieve them find a way to pay for them because I'll always regret it if I don't.

I hate being a teenager or collegiate or young adult or whatever the heck I'm called at the lovely age of eighteen where I'm supposed to know so many of the answers and understand so many things that I'm so far from even comprehending. But one thing at a time, I guess.

I wish I could impart that to some of my friends. I understand why some people go to state schools because they have to and maybe that's what's best for them and all of that. But then there are other people who want bigger things and have no reason they can't achieve them but they buy into a world that says no you can't because you can't pay for it. Not that money issues is a bad reason for making decisions... because it's not and sometimes it's necessary. But if you have a dream and decide not to follow it because the rest of the world tells you you can't afford it or it's a waste of money or whatever, that is a crime.

I also wish I could tell people that yeah, the present situation sucks, but you have to keep living each day and go forward... you keep waiting for that one person or that one thing to just happen to you and you'll come out at the end with a very empty life.

I thank my mom for that philosophy. It has greatly enriched my life... and I wish I could impart it to some of the other people I know who are just so much in fear so much of the time.

Oh and by the way, my final this morning went well... despite the fact that I couldn't sleep last night for some odd reason. I went to bed at 1 and then woke up at 3:30 and again at 7 and again at 8... and I kept going back to sleep and having nightmares that I was going to oversleep and miss the final. I hope my essays were specific enough... but since they were only supposed to be 20 minutes of writing time, they should have been fine.

College. Oy.

It's going to feel weird going home without books and without papers... the semester ending and my having a long time off before I have to do anything else that's real work. It's weird to think that I have one more test to take and I'm done with my first semester of college. It feels like it's gone by very fast. Although everyone says that about their first semester I guess.

my long journal entries. apologies in advance to anyone who reads this entire thing.

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